Right now, and for the past year, I have been the heaviest weight I have ever been.
Before I got this heavy, I told myself I would NEVER allow myself to get so big.
But this post isn’t going to be a trip down memory lane to a time when I was thinner, dreaming + wishing of being thinner again. No, this post is going to be something else.
This post is going to be a love letter to my fat.
Yes, you read that correctly. A love letter…..to my fat.
My lowest adult weight was around 147 when I was 23 years old. When I got married, I was at 160, and now, I am around 190-195. I didn’t get here quickly, though; it’s taken me 3 1/2 years. Since my wedding, I have been using food to comfort me, like many people do. But I am not upset with myself for it, I’m not angry that I “let myself go,” and I do not even hate my body. I am so thankful for my body getting fat because honestly, I needed something to comfort me during the most trying years of my life.
Since our wedding, my husband has been injured in some way or another and this has greatly impacted our life. Many times, I am so exhausted and I haven’t had enough energy to take care of myself. I know, I know. Bad excuse. But I have pledged to speak the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and I have been exhausted for years.
Eating has been an indulgence, an addiction, a comfort, and a chore, all at different times in the past almost 4 years. But now I’m ready for eating and food to be something else, and if you’ve read my past few posts, you might guess that I’m ready for it to be nourishing.
Right now, I am first and foremost just trying to make sure I am eating. For a while, I was only eating 1-2 meals a day, and that is definitely not good. So while I am being mindful of what food I am eating, I am just really focused on stopping whatever I’m doing (I have a bad habit of working ALL THE TIME) and giving myself the honor of rejuvenating my body with good foods.
So, this is a love letter to my body + to my fat. Thank you body for not hating me for treating you so poorly the past few years. Thank you for putting up with me not valuing you. Thank you fat for providing me with safety, warmth, comfort, and a shield. You did serve me well. But this is also a goodbye letter. Not as in “YEAH! I’m going to work out and kill myself to get back to my lowest weight.” No. I plan on doing this as gently as I did putting it on. I am ready to let you go. I am ready to release you. I am ready to start caring about myself and giving myself the best of everything. I am ready to experience joy like I have never experienced before, and therefore, I no longer need you.
So mote it be.
photos in this post are the work of Jenni Chung Photography, Cedar Falls, Iowa.