Today I want to tell you some truths about my marriage. I intuitively know that it’s the right time to share this with you all and hope that it helps you in your own journey.
Before my husband got injured, we were sitting on top of the world. We wanted for nothing, we had a beautiful home, true love, adventures, trips, etc. We had the life we have always dreamed of.
Then once he got injured, it began to change. Slowly, we had to stop doing all the things we loved. We could no longer take motorcycle trips, we couldn’t do picnics, we couldn’t go hiking very long….everything started to dwindle.
Since we had no idea how long these injuries would last, it wasn’t that big of a deal in the beginning. We just sort of let those things go for a while. I focused on being a “good wife” and not complaining, taking care of him, etc, but those things, too, slowly started to fade away.
In May of 2016, I found myself in perhaps the deepest depression I had ever experienced. It was something that I honestly have never experienced in my life. I have been sad + depressed before, but it was an artistic type, like the “my high school boyfriend broke up with me and I thought we would be together forever and I don’t know how to live” type. This depression ran deep. Deep into the core of my being. It was a “I don’t know how much longer I can live like this” depression. It was a “I resent everything about you because YOU are making my life a living hell” depression. It was a “I feel like I am slowly dying inside” depression. Yes, I blamed it on my husband. I blamed him for ruining our perfect life. For a very long while, I hated him.
I thought about leaving him many many times. And guess what-he thought about leaving me too.
Finally, there was one night that broke both of us, and made us face what was happening and do the scariest thing ever: talking openly and honestly to each other about what was happening.
Is there anything scarier than telling the UGLY truth? The answer is no. There is NOTHING scarier than telling the truth, especially when you don’t know what will come out of it. Would we get divorced? Who would move out? Where would that person move? How would our families take it? Who would take Lili?
But that night, the night we decided to finally lay it all out there, we did something. Rather, I guess, we DIDN’T do something. We didn’t give up. In that moment, we were NOT in love with each other, but we didn’t give up.
And it was hard. We didn’t wake up the next day in love. Or the next. Or the next. But ever so slowly, we started liking each other, admiring each other, trusting each other, and soon, the love, lust, and butterflies were back, too (well, maybe for me, he’s not the one writing this post 😛 )
Every day is different. Some days, I am head over heels in love with the man he is becoming. Some days I am so tired and I’m not so enthused. I am writing this post not to air out dirty laundry or get sympathy, but to offer support to any husband, wife, or couple who are feeling like maybe this marriage thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe you are feeling nervous that you made a mistake or that life isn’t turning out the way you thought it would. The truth is, marriage isn’t always easy for anyone, even people whose marriage don’t include hardships like the ones we’ve been experiencing. Sometimes, communication or the lack thereof is the only hardship.
Today, I urge you to develop an open and honest line of communication during the easy times so that the skills and trust are already there when times get tough. I started to blame him for our life, but the truth was, it wasn’t his fault at all. It was my fault for not being open and honest with him from the beginning. I was trying too hard to stuff my emotions down inside me (and as I stated in my past post, I used food as a comfort and a distraction) and to ignore my own needs.
My husband and I are still in the middle of this chapter of our lives; we have no idea when his pain and injuries will go away, and we don’t even know how to explain them to people anymore. We have gone from doctor to doctor with still no answers after 2 years. But now we both know what we need to do in order to continue to have hope in our situation and love in our marriage, which is a huge life saver for both of us. No, it’s STILL not always easy. There are days when one of us or both of us are exhausted, grumpy, and hopeless. But we know we are not giving up on each other and our marriage.
There is more to this story that I want to share, but I think this is probably enough for now 🙂
Sending you so much love, especially if your journey feels like this right now.
Photos in this post are from Nicole Harnois Photography and Jenni Chung Photography