Unsafe.

Unsafe.

It’s a word that most people associate with this present moment. We all know when something is unsafe. Usually, it’s a glaring problem, one that is very noticeable. Fire. Burglar. Car accident.

But this week, I realized that I have felt unsafe my whole life without knowing it, and this has really affected my life.

Growing up, I felt it was unsafe to be myself in school and at home. I was bullied at daycare, at school, and being such an old soul, I think my parents didn’t really know how to handle me. But I did know that I was safe when I was being extraordinary. I started singing solos at church when I was only 5-that was extraordinary. I got really good grades-that was extraordinary. I did extraordinary things to keep myself safe-to make my teachers and parents like me, even though I wasn’t like them. This was a safe way to be different, but if I acted different in any other way-I didn’t feel so safe.

This way of living made me depressed. I started to cut myself when I was in the 8th grade. I would sit in my room and cry and sing to Evanescence. But it was unsafe for me to be depressed, so I pretended that I wasn’t. But then it all got too much for me to bear, so I pleaded with my mom to send me to therapy. But she didn’t. So I kept being depressed and it led to so many emotional issues that I am obviously still trying to work out as a 27 year old.

It was unsafe for me to leave the Christian faith at 14 and do what was right for me, which was being openly Pagan. I got kicked out of my house (just for one day, but the unsafety scarred me deeply), and even when planning my wedding, I was told I was going to hell.

Unsafe.

I was sexually assaulted twice in my life-the first time I was very young and working as an Ebay lister down the street. Some older guy worked in the furniture store portion of the business, and I had a crush on him. One day, he attempted to get my pants off and I freaked out, but I liked the guy, so I didn’t know how to say no. I don’t remember how I said no, but I know this situation scarred me, as any sexual assault would scar a young girl.

Unsafe.

I was sexually assaulted again at 17 when a series of bad decisions led me to a party with a group of people I’d been friends with for about 4 years. After some crazy things happened, I decided to avoid drama by staying with the couple whose apartment we were at. Then the guy proceeded to sexually assault me.

Unsafe.

I can’t speak for all women, but I do believe that women probably feel unsafe much more than men do because many times, we are at the will of the men around. They can hurt us at any time-we must do and say things to keep ourselves safe. *I know this is a generalization, but please consider this truth in your own life*

So here I am, just now realizing how unsafe I’ve felt my whole life, and realizing how it has sooooo dramatically affected my life without me even knowing it. It’s affected my relationships with everyone, especially my husband.

Since having this realization, I have been using mantras that start with “It is safe for me….” which has definitely helped me. Even when something doesn’t really make sense, I am using the mantra because feeling unsafe has permeated through my whole life. So even things like “It is safe for me to go to yoga,” or “It is safe for me to nourish my body,” have been making a huge difference to me.

And feeling safe is a huge part of TRUST. Which is my word for 2016. Learning to Trust has definitely shown me that I haven’t felt safe, but now that I am aware of the unsafety and showing myself that life is safe, I can more fully TRUST my path.l034

Sending you big love on your journey in this life. <3 I am with you on this path, and I honor your path.

La Rae

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