Have you ever been so weary that your entire personality has to change for a little while in order to get some rest? That’s where I am right now.
This post is basically going to make you hate me, probably.
While I’m hoping you don’t, I understand that it’s a possibility.
But here we go.
I am an empath.
What is an empath, you ask? An empath is a person who feels and takes on other people’s energy. This is an enormous gift, but also an enormous burden and responsibility. Most empaths really have to work on boundaries or else they will essentially go crazy in one way or another.
There have been certain times where I have sobbed for the world. Sobbed for animals. Sobbed for the environment. But my heart reached it’s peak heartbreak this year in terms of my empathic abilities.
It started with Bernie Sanders.
If you know me personally, you know that I have always been a fighter for humanity. I believe in equality in all things, for all people. When I first heard of Bernie Sanders, I was like “Who the hell is this guy? How does he think he can win?”
Then I heard him speak. I was inspired. This was the leader I had been waiting for.
I talked with people about him. I supported his campaign financially. I gave my heart and soul to him and his cause, his message, his love.
When he dropped out of the race, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop sobbing. My heart was absolutely shattered. I don’t think I have ever been so broken.
This was a breaking point for me. I realized I couldn’t let my heart break like that again.
Then I got a new job. This new job has been an absolute blessing to me in many ways, but not necessarily financially. Like a cliche, yes, I have taken a financial cut in order to do some real good in my community and in the world. So I have been focusing on trust, which is my word and goal this year. I knew I was taking this risk, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, and it doesn’t mean it’s happening without heartbreak. Every time I have to hold my breath at the checkout line at the grocery store, hoping that my payment actually goes through, my heart breaks. Every time I worry about where my mortgage payment is coming from, my heart breaks a little more. Every time my husband and I fight about money, it breaks even more. So I have had to build my walls a little higher.
And my new job is just one thing-I am also an entrepreneur. I am coming out of perhaps my busiest time EVER. I worked myself to the bone every day for 3 months. I have sacrificed my health, my husband + our time together, our enjoyment of life, our puppies, etc.
No, I am not trying to get you to pity me or even throw myself a pity party.
All of this has been a choice. I chose to do this. I’m not trying to be a martyr.
But now, I have a broken heart, a broken body, and a broken soul.
I have to stop caring about things so much and start focusing all of my attention on me.
I understand that this may make me seem selfish, but in order to really show up in this world in the way I want to and need to, I have to take some time off from caring. I have to take a break from caring about recycling, about always and only using my reusable grocery bags, about eating organic, about climate change, about fighting the good fight for humanity. I just need a moment to only care about my small little microcosm of a world.
And if you need this, too, I give you permission to do it.
Sending you love,